it's been a long time since i last wrote, but sometimes, one just has to write. i've been doing a lot of that lately, but moreso on paper than typed up until now. it is odd. these phases that i go through. writing ceaselessly. then reading unsatiably. then delving into music wholeheartedly. like a compulsion, i dive into a medium of expression, exhaust it completely and then move on to the next type in order to avoid something.
but what? and why? to forget what i know. to forget what i've seen. to forget how it feels to feel, as a consequence of what i know and have seen. is there a healthy way of coping with pain?
some of my thoughts are so redundant. i am unoriginal. there is nothing new under the sun. vanity, vanity. all is vanity. is this the case? truly? what has been will be again. no, there is nothing new. everything that has been, will repeat itself. i make the same mistakes over and over again. will i ever learn? do i even want to learn from my mistakes? why do i long for the things i cannot have. pinning for what cannot rightfully be mine. scheming elaborate plans and tactics in order to get closer to what is pushing me further and further away. magnets with same charges likewise reject one another, hard as you may try to unite them. they will never be together. they will be forever seperated. a solution? demagnetizing one or the other and even then, where there is no charge, there is still no connection. lose lose situation. memories of me will seem more like bad dreams. just a series of blurs, like i never occured. someday... someday...
why do i always seem to write more when i'm depressed?
and it's depressing. not always. just now. i'm not suffering from depression. no. i am rather in a conscious state of depression. i am not suffering in the process. it is merely my present companion. Sorrow of the heart, meet me at night when i cannot sleep soundly. where i lie questioning life and the reasons why. why we must suffer. why i feel pain. why i seek to alleviate pain. where i find my solace. in a voice. in a gaze. i know it still holds caring. Sorrow of the soul, for now, i greet you. we have become closely knit these past few weeks. but i know. we won't last long, your negative has attracted my positive. however, because of your strong charge, i am slowly being demagnetized. verily, soon i will be as negative as you. thus, problem solved. we will be repulsed by one another (being of likewise charge, naturally) and i will cling to the positive instead, forfeiting my former bond with you. until then, hold me and comfort me when all else is unstable.
