+ après la pluie +

j'aime être spontanée de temps en temps. samedi qui vient de passer, une de mes meilleures amies et moi nous nous sommes dirigées par greyhound à Montréal pour la journée. Notre voyage a mal commencé cependant et ça nous a pris 4 heures pour s'y rendre!! ugh. En premier lieu, notre autobus est parti une demi-heure plus tard que prévu... à mi-chemin, on a tombé en panne dans une petite ville nommée Kirkland (je crois?). En tout cas, il nous a fallu attendre plus d'une heure et demi pour qu'un autre autobus vienne nous dépanner et même à ça, le deuxième autobus comportait moins de sièges. Ceci dit, on a du rester debout pour le restant du trajet. Chose difficile lorsqu'il s'agit d'un greyhound et non un autobus de ville qu'on voyage à une vitesse plus élevée qu'en milieu urbain. Mais quand même, j'ai eu la chance de causer avec un individu qui étudie à l'université en philosophie. Il m'a parlé de ses origines colombiennes et de sa famille. C'était quand même intéressant, quoi qu'inconfortable (puisque j'était debout, évidemment, essayant de ne pas tomber sur le monde assis). J'aimerais bien visiter l'Amérique du sud un de ces jours... Mais, je veux toujours aller en Europe premièrement. Peut être aurais-je la chance d'y aller cet été? Je l'espère bien...

Une fois arrivé à Montréal, plus de deux heures en retard (grr), on s'est dirigé vers la rue Ste-Catherine. Nous nous sommes retrouvées au beau milieu d'un festival quelconque. On a passé du temps a ramasser des dépliants sur le tourisme Canadien (plutôt sur le tourisme dans les maritimes) et on a même eu la chance de décorer des chandelles avec de la cire chaude. Vive les événements gratuits! Il a fait tellement beau samedi et moi, ayant prévu une journée pluvieuse, j'ai failli apporter mes lunettes de soleil et je portait un chandaille à manches longues. Il a fait encore plus chaud. Je me sentais niaiseuse, le jacket serré autour de ma taille, les manches retroussées le plus possible et le visage froncé pour voir malgré la puissance du soleil ardent. Tant pis. Il faisait tellement beau et je préfère, en général, le beau temps à la pluie : )

On n'a pas magasiné tant que ça en fin de compte. Je me suis acheté deux paires de jeans en vente. On a passé du temps au centre Eaton, et à la Baie. Il va bien falloir qu'on y retourne. Avec le délai causé par la panne d'autobus et le festival distrayant, on a pas eu beaucoup de temps pour visiter les magasins. De plus, les heures d'ouvertures ne sont pas très bonnes le samedi (tout ferme à 17h00). J'ai vraiment aimé ma journée et j'espère y retourner bientôt.. J'aimerais aussi aller à Toronto cet été. woo. Okay, je pense avoir fini d'écrire. Je vais profiter de la belle température ici et de ma journée off pour aller dehors et peut être faire du patin. ciao!

how long

how long is the night? is it too late to heal? [thursday] how could this happen to me? [simple plan] i love how some music lyrics speak volumes. i love music in general. there's this one music video on rotation now that just makes me emotional every time i watch it. i probably shouldn't be watching it. it really makes you think though. a lot of the time, i try to avoid thinking altogether. i'm on a reading hiatus right now. there's so much going on already. i don't need for my mind to be crowded with the problems of strangers who write about these. i miss reina. i miss frodo. tuesday, i went to a concert at the church. united played from hillsong, australia. it was amazing. and to see all these kids so riled up for God. it was incredible. i go to a lot of rock shows but nothing compares to a setting where the object of emphasis of every song is the Creator of the universe.

i used to have that zeal. i was young once. we were young so full of love [slick shoes]. i was just like them. when did that change? was it when i realized that death was real? it has been a difficult year in that regard... always at this time of the month too... my grandfather, may 25th 2004... reina, august 27th 2004... frodo, january 26th 2005. and these are the ones close to me. life is so brittle. flesh and blood is weak and frail [t.s. eliot]. i read somewhere a beautiful quote concerning life and death's envy of it:

The reason death sticks so closely to life isn't biological necessity - it's envy.

Life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it,

jealous, possessive love that grabs at what it can.

But life leaps over oblivion lightly, losing only a thing or two

of no importance, and gloom is but the passing

shadow of a cloud.

[yann martel]

i watched a movie last night that was so sad and tragic and yet so beautiful. i dreamt about it. i cried on my way home thinking about it. it made me think of hell because of one scene near the end of the movie. who would have thought that Star Wars could have such spiritual relevance? maybe it's just me... who am i? what am i doing for God? am i where he wants me to be? am i living out my full potential for him? what about those around me? those that i love? do they see in me the life that God has given me? do they envy that abundant life that i'm supposed to be living out? i failed my exam on tuesday. no doubt. i wasn't ready for it. it makes me angry at myself. why this mediocrity? how can i get out of this rut? is it possible for me to regain that zeal that i had as a teenager? i wasn't ashamed of what i believed then. am i ashamed now? why do i keep silent sometimes? i used to write songs. i used to have joy. is it possible to have joy surrounded by death? i hope so. i need it desperately. but i need God more.

more than life. more than life. more than life.

more than the air i breathe.

more than anything.

with eyes turned toward the sky

you'll smile and wonder why

you've never seen the stars shine like tonight.

make a wish into the dark,

as you're walking through the park, and know

that everything will be all right.

thanks, doll.

I've been re-reading some of my old diary entries. It's great. So much has changed over the last year or so and yet I still recognize myself in my writings and it's as though I'm getting to know an old friend once again. When did things become so different? When did the change occur? I'm re-learning what it is to be honest. To allow people to get to know me. To allow myself to be myself without having to pretend I'm perfect. To allow myself to become more myself. To discover who I am and grow into that person that I am slowly becoming. It's kind of neat. And rereading those diary entries makes me realize that who I'm striving to become is very similar to the person I used to be. I used to have such faith. I used to be more sure of everything. Maybe it's because I knew less then than what I do now. Ignorance is bliss, is it not? I find the more I learn, the more I realize that I know nothing at all.

Mike bought me a cd for my birthday. It's a beautiful album. I listened to it while driving to work this afternoon. It's by a band called Mae and the lead singer's vocals are so pristine. I love it. The album is mixed to perfection. It's gorgeous to listen to. I tried to come up with a band to compare it to... but was alas unable to. It's sort of pop-ish meets melodic; ballads that are aesthetically pleasing and yet thoughtful and fresh. I haven't added to my cd collection in a long time so the gift was much appreciated. We did end up going back to that site with all the free furniture the day after we first went. Sadly though, the garbage men were throwing all that prime stuff into the back of a green machine monster of a truck to bring to the dumpster. Plus, the owner of the land wouldn't let me peruse the area because he was busy with the demolition derby out front. Too bad... we'll just have to go back when he's not around.

Besides, I brought my camera and yet no film... Go figure. That is such a me thing to do. I only discovered that post facto when I went to the car graveyard the day after to take pictures of the cav after the great accident. Man, the images of all those cars - yea, our car totaled and wrecked - are still so strongly in my head. It's truly disturbing. It makes me shudder now to hear sirens. Or see the remains of accident sites on the road when I'm waiting for the bus. Sheer craziness. Now I need only to buy a car...

This morning, my amp was being difficult for the begining part of the first service I played. grr to amps and technical difficulties. The second service was much better, overall. The preaching was also much better the second time around. I'm glad I stayed for both (usually I only go to the one morning service at church). The last one was very good. It was a great evening at work too. Not too much drama. My patients were all very kind and the co-workers were fun. I love my job. woo. Indeed, it's been a good day.

Anyway, I've rambled enough for one night.

peace.

destiny

Don't you know?

Everything that is meant to be

Somehow will be.

Time will tell.

In time, yes, but now?

Now, you know, is brief.

You will never be here again.

what is man?

What is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of man that You visit him?"

[psalm 8:4... quoted also in hebrews 2:6]

what are words? what are minutes to one waiting, in such a way? my brain is fuzzy; my left leg is twitching fiercely and my eyes are swollen as though i haven't slept in days. i feel sick to my stomach. if anything ever happened... i don't know what i would do. i can't think about it. what if.. what if... unanswered questions float around in the murky depths of my conscious mind. this air is thick. the fan and automatic doors are to me so loud i can't hear myself think. i don't know. i don't know anything. what is there to know? what is the truth? what is truth? you tell me... what is your truth? i'm angry. i don't know who you are anymore. talk to me. please, say something. why do i wish you were here, of all people? brief, brief shadow of life rekindle the flame in those eyes when the lights fade away in a well-lit room while you long to melt into the walls. a room that is cold. unfamiliar. one that i haven't seen yet. i know you are there. waiting. alone. in agony. but i can't know for sure. what do i know? nothing. i wait here. alone. in agony. not knowing anything. but waiting evermore.. 2h53 am. i wish i was dead. God, give me clarity. strength. courage. i am not happy but trust that you are sovereign. please, tell me everything will be all right. even if it's a lie and not the truth.

not a dream... not even close. and this, sitting at the computer. while the rest of the world lies dormant... brings back a flood of feelings. fear. extreme fear. it's the way i would have done it... God knows how i've thought about it over the years... arriving home so late... or early rather. sleep is wonderful now knowing. not knowing everything. but enough to rest a bit. for a few hours at least. what happened seems almost a blur now. it's odd. but still, it chokes me up and i can't breathe. my chest hurts. an invisible hand clasps at my throat and heart and at the pit of my stomach, which is empty. i have to write about it, lest i forget. i watched a cnn special tonight on memory. we tend to remember things under stress and yet the details are fuzzy because of the release of stress hormones. i remember still. sitting in the chair, so uncomfortable. the smell of antisceptics. the gleam of the wall and floor. the renovations look very nice. they did a good job. my face is red and puffy. i look like crap. but i don't care. what i feel is real and not fake. my heart races and i feel the blood and hear it in my ears. i am alive. and thankful for life. what a gift. what a fine gift. what is man that you are mindful of him, Lord? who am i... but great are You.. i pray like never before. these are urgent pleas of the soul, expressed in desperation. i don't care who sees me. the tables have turned. now i know how it feels...

sleep. beautiful sleep. i feel i could sleep for days. but i can't. reality awaits me when i wake. i have to leave. the world seems different today. it holds new meaning. my perspective has changed. i will never be the same again. yet everything around is normal. for everyone else, nothing has changed. this is weird. i want to yell at them. to see what i now see. to feel what i'm feeling so that they don't have to learn the hard way. it's a gorgeous day. but i'm numb. all these ruins. all the stories they represent. tales of life and victory. in some cases, dismal accounts of defeat and death. it's a miracle. it's a miracle. i can't believe it. it's too lofty for me to understand. but God, you know. you were there. it's unbelievable. i am so thankful... so thankful.. thank you. this is surreal. but it's more real to me than anything else right now... perhaps more real to me than anything has ever been before. there it is again... the familiar closing of my throat. i swallow hard but to no avail. such emotions. i am not in control. but it's okay. because these are tears of gratefulness. of joy. of realization. of truth. it's okay for me to feel these things. it's human. it's real. i'm real. and alive. and well. as are all those that i love. they're here, living still. because of you, Lord. because of you...

like hourglass sand...

So, today was a memorable day. I'm listening to some Jet right now. It's good. What's great is that you can listen to the whole album online, withough having to buy the album. Although the only song I ever really listen to is the fourth one. woo.


I woke up this morning, wishing on my birthday, that some dreams could transpose themselves to real life; and, that some real life issues would be transformed into nightmares that I could easily wake up from and forget once the night has passed. But then, I got a phone call from a wacky but oh-so-rad friend who sang to me and then lured me to breakfast at Cora's. Breakfast in the company of two best friends was awesome! I had these crepe things with fruit (hello, pineapple!) and it was so good. I'd never been to this restaurant before, so it's good to know it exists (for future reference, of course). The waitress brought me a little swan made out of an apple with a candle on it which was adorable. I felt bad ruining such a work of culinary art.

We then proceeded in going shopping. I bought a book and a CD for my mom. A new Winners was opening today so the three of us checked that out. The place, however, was madness!! Oh my goodness, there were women everywhere.. I swear. It was crazy. Not only women, but random babies in strollers strewn a little everywhere too. I felt as though I was in a nursery. I think three ladies hit me with their carts and/or strollers... at least!! We met up with an old friend of mine who's been away at school in Toronto for the last couple of years and so it was so neat seeing her again. She's back home for the summer, so I'll no doubt be hanging out with her some more in the days to come.

then... I had to work.

AFTER work, I was exiting through the back doors because I had parked out back (how rational!). Lo and Behold, there is Mike, as ever talking on the phone, heading toward me. I'm like "what the heck?!" He says to me, "yeah, I'm on the phone with your mom, asking her what time you're off work." So it was pretty random and altogether a pleasant surprise. So we go and visit a patient friend of his (to whom I had subsequently served a nice dinner of beef stew with waxed beans and mashed potatoes). Is that even sayable (is sayable sayable?!)? Subsequently? Should it not be presequently since it preceeded what happened? meh. no matter.


As we're driving, he tells me of this place in the middle of nowhere on the side of the highway where, apparently, there is a whole bunch of free furniture up for grabs. "You feel like checking it out?" "Absolutely" was my resolute reply. I pull over to the left into this dumpy skeleton of a lot, the ghostly remains of a once magnificent motel (okay... maybe magnificent is too strong a word, but I can just picture this place having been quite picturesque in its glory days). There are 2 old fridges that smell disgusting when opened. Two old fashioned tvs (one of which I was oh-so tempted to take, just as esthetic eye candy if not for functional purposes) and about a gazillion couch cushions and about a thousand old car tires. I found a couple of interesting old books (love love love the oldness of old books) that I couldn't resist taking as well as a very unique German porcelain tea cup. For Mike, we managed to fit an entire bookcase and an endtable in the backseat and trunk of the crappy car (respectively). He also found some copy of the Bible too, written in "today's contemporary English". We talked to a lot of interesting people also searching for treasures among the ruins as well as made fun of some of the other obviously trashy garbage things that were there. Oh yeah, speaking of garbage. Mike found a perfectly good garbage can so we brought that one with use also.

It was so cool.

We're planning on going back tomorrow to excavate further the premises. You can be sure I will be armed with a camera this time... and a roll of black and white film. yessir. The place was prime grounds for kind of photography that I like. Who knows? I may end up with a very retro non-functional television in the back seat of the rusty cav by the end of the day...

Welcome, new year.

Let us soak up life.