how long

how long is the night? is it too late to heal? [thursday] how could this happen to me? [simple plan] i love how some music lyrics speak volumes. i love music in general. there's this one music video on rotation now that just makes me emotional every time i watch it. i probably shouldn't be watching it. it really makes you think though. a lot of the time, i try to avoid thinking altogether. i'm on a reading hiatus right now. there's so much going on already. i don't need for my mind to be crowded with the problems of strangers who write about these. i miss reina. i miss frodo. tuesday, i went to a concert at the church. united played from hillsong, australia. it was amazing. and to see all these kids so riled up for God. it was incredible. i go to a lot of rock shows but nothing compares to a setting where the object of emphasis of every song is the Creator of the universe.

i used to have that zeal. i was young once. we were young so full of love [slick shoes]. i was just like them. when did that change? was it when i realized that death was real? it has been a difficult year in that regard... always at this time of the month too... my grandfather, may 25th 2004... reina, august 27th 2004... frodo, january 26th 2005. and these are the ones close to me. life is so brittle. flesh and blood is weak and frail [t.s. eliot]. i read somewhere a beautiful quote concerning life and death's envy of it:

The reason death sticks so closely to life isn't biological necessity - it's envy.

Life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it,

jealous, possessive love that grabs at what it can.

But life leaps over oblivion lightly, losing only a thing or two

of no importance, and gloom is but the passing

shadow of a cloud.

[yann martel]

i watched a movie last night that was so sad and tragic and yet so beautiful. i dreamt about it. i cried on my way home thinking about it. it made me think of hell because of one scene near the end of the movie. who would have thought that Star Wars could have such spiritual relevance? maybe it's just me... who am i? what am i doing for God? am i where he wants me to be? am i living out my full potential for him? what about those around me? those that i love? do they see in me the life that God has given me? do they envy that abundant life that i'm supposed to be living out? i failed my exam on tuesday. no doubt. i wasn't ready for it. it makes me angry at myself. why this mediocrity? how can i get out of this rut? is it possible for me to regain that zeal that i had as a teenager? i wasn't ashamed of what i believed then. am i ashamed now? why do i keep silent sometimes? i used to write songs. i used to have joy. is it possible to have joy surrounded by death? i hope so. i need it desperately. but i need God more.

more than life. more than life. more than life.

more than the air i breathe.

more than anything.

with eyes turned toward the sky

you'll smile and wonder why

you've never seen the stars shine like tonight.

make a wish into the dark,

as you're walking through the park, and know

that everything will be all right.