what is man?

What is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of man that You visit him?"

[psalm 8:4... quoted also in hebrews 2:6]

what are words? what are minutes to one waiting, in such a way? my brain is fuzzy; my left leg is twitching fiercely and my eyes are swollen as though i haven't slept in days. i feel sick to my stomach. if anything ever happened... i don't know what i would do. i can't think about it. what if.. what if... unanswered questions float around in the murky depths of my conscious mind. this air is thick. the fan and automatic doors are to me so loud i can't hear myself think. i don't know. i don't know anything. what is there to know? what is the truth? what is truth? you tell me... what is your truth? i'm angry. i don't know who you are anymore. talk to me. please, say something. why do i wish you were here, of all people? brief, brief shadow of life rekindle the flame in those eyes when the lights fade away in a well-lit room while you long to melt into the walls. a room that is cold. unfamiliar. one that i haven't seen yet. i know you are there. waiting. alone. in agony. but i can't know for sure. what do i know? nothing. i wait here. alone. in agony. not knowing anything. but waiting evermore.. 2h53 am. i wish i was dead. God, give me clarity. strength. courage. i am not happy but trust that you are sovereign. please, tell me everything will be all right. even if it's a lie and not the truth.

not a dream... not even close. and this, sitting at the computer. while the rest of the world lies dormant... brings back a flood of feelings. fear. extreme fear. it's the way i would have done it... God knows how i've thought about it over the years... arriving home so late... or early rather. sleep is wonderful now knowing. not knowing everything. but enough to rest a bit. for a few hours at least. what happened seems almost a blur now. it's odd. but still, it chokes me up and i can't breathe. my chest hurts. an invisible hand clasps at my throat and heart and at the pit of my stomach, which is empty. i have to write about it, lest i forget. i watched a cnn special tonight on memory. we tend to remember things under stress and yet the details are fuzzy because of the release of stress hormones. i remember still. sitting in the chair, so uncomfortable. the smell of antisceptics. the gleam of the wall and floor. the renovations look very nice. they did a good job. my face is red and puffy. i look like crap. but i don't care. what i feel is real and not fake. my heart races and i feel the blood and hear it in my ears. i am alive. and thankful for life. what a gift. what a fine gift. what is man that you are mindful of him, Lord? who am i... but great are You.. i pray like never before. these are urgent pleas of the soul, expressed in desperation. i don't care who sees me. the tables have turned. now i know how it feels...

sleep. beautiful sleep. i feel i could sleep for days. but i can't. reality awaits me when i wake. i have to leave. the world seems different today. it holds new meaning. my perspective has changed. i will never be the same again. yet everything around is normal. for everyone else, nothing has changed. this is weird. i want to yell at them. to see what i now see. to feel what i'm feeling so that they don't have to learn the hard way. it's a gorgeous day. but i'm numb. all these ruins. all the stories they represent. tales of life and victory. in some cases, dismal accounts of defeat and death. it's a miracle. it's a miracle. i can't believe it. it's too lofty for me to understand. but God, you know. you were there. it's unbelievable. i am so thankful... so thankful.. thank you. this is surreal. but it's more real to me than anything else right now... perhaps more real to me than anything has ever been before. there it is again... the familiar closing of my throat. i swallow hard but to no avail. such emotions. i am not in control. but it's okay. because these are tears of gratefulness. of joy. of realization. of truth. it's okay for me to feel these things. it's human. it's real. i'm real. and alive. and well. as are all those that i love. they're here, living still. because of you, Lord. because of you...